Blended, Not Shaken

Siblings Without Blood: Stories from the Glass Door

• Michele • Season 1 • Episode 2

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Michele introduces her siblings, Lynn and Kevin, who share their unique perspectives on growing up in different branches of the same blended family tree.

• Lynn and Kevin discuss how they describe their family to others—Lynn's glass door analogy and Kevin's "huge family that loves to party" approach
• Both siblings share surprising similarities despite having no blood relation—both diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, both work with youth, both love the outdoors
• Kevin recalls the meaningful moment when his stepdad asked if he wanted to be part of the family and if he could call him "dad"
• They explore how household dynamics changed when siblings would leave for custody arrangements with other parents
• Kevin and Lynn reflect on building authentic relationships with step-siblings over time, with Kevin noting his relationship with his stepbrother feels "earned"
• Lynn shares her experience of being severely bullied in school and how that affected her awareness of Michele's custody schedule

Join us next week for part two of this conversation as we continue to explore the messiness and beauty of blended families.


Michele:

Welcome back to Blended, not Shaken, a podcast sharing unfiltered stories from inside blended families. I'm your host, Michele, and if you listened to the first episode, you know that I just started this passion project of mine. If this is your first time joining us, you picked a great first episode to listen to. It's part one of a two-part conversation with some very unique siblings of mine, Lynn and Kevin. I want to remind you that this podcast and upcoming episodes are not just about my blended family and our experiences, but I thought I would start with these two quirky siblings, not only because they have different lenses, from which they experience the same family I'm a part of, I'm a part of, but they are also really great at being real, raw, vulnerable and have these beautiful minds.

Michele:

These two are not even related to each other, but somehow they share a few key things in common, and their unique differences are just really intriguing to listen to. Oh, and they both love getting messy and playing in dirt, which is kind of symbolic of how I approach blended family complexities... Embrace the mess. These two do just that. I do want to give a heads up that in today's part one episode, we do discuss ADD, attention deficit disorder, and ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder diagnoses, and we also discuss a little bit about being bullied. I encourage you to listen with an open heart and, if it resonates with you, know that you are not alone and your story is always welcome here. So, let us embrace the mess and get to know my sister Lynn and my brother Kevin.

Michele:

Welcome, Lynn and Kevin to the Blended, not Shaken podcast. I'm so glad you guys are here doing this with me and thank you so much for making the time.

Kevin Kauffman:

Thanks for having us.

Kevin Kauffman:

Yeah, thank you, Michele.

Michele:

I know both of you are going to be so honest and open today and even though we're family, I don't think we've actually ever sat down and really dove deep into thinking about our family, our blended family right.

Kevin Kauffman:

No, not, unless we're just talking about one person or two Right Like we've never really dissected.

Michele:

So I would love to start with each of you. If you could just share who you are and what does our family look like from your perspective. So let's start there.

Kevin Kauffman:

I think we should start alphabetically, which would be Kevin.

Kevin Kauffman:

I literally just had to do the ABCs in my head to make sure that that was not a fallacy, but you are correct. Yeah, so my name is Kevin and I am part of a blended family and as far as like my viewpoint, so my parents got married in 2002 or three, I can't remember. I think it was like 2002, 2003, who knows, but a long time ago. But I had the opportunity to kind of like grow up knowing my what is now my blended family, so that's been a really cool perspective. But as far as like viewpoint, my blended family is probably just much darker skin than me, because I joined a Mexican family so I walked into gray food and I walked into a party. I mean, that's really kind of what it was and what it is.

Kevin Kauffman:

But, yeah, so I went from being an only child to having tons of brothers and sisters, and then that even grew once I got older. In junior high and high school, my parents decided to have a second family because why not? But yeah, let's put this into perspective. I am like my grandmother does the whole like genealogy thing and so like she guarantees me that I'm 80% Irish and 80% German. Math isn't mathing very well on that one, but I am very fair skin. My last name is Kaufman. My blended family's name is Martina, so that's just how it works. Like I got red in my beard, I'm the red bearded stepchild.

Kevin Kauffman:

You're a leprechaun, that's so fun.

Michele:

A hundred and sixty percent%. I love it. And so a little bit about you, kevin. Obviously you live here in Illinois.

Kevin Kauffman:

I do so. I live in Illinois, lived here pretty much my whole life, just went away for college and then came right back, got married to my wife, who we actually met in high school. We actually grew up right down the road for a little bit of our lives, never knew it until high school, but we have now been married. We celebrated 12 years this last summer. So we've been married 12 years. So we have two kids, live out in the country. I'm actually a youth pastor here in town so I get to work with junior high and high school students as my profession. So I love what I get to do. I just get to have fun.

Michele:

And you have a great wife, a great, I mean. I love my niece and nephew, obviously, but yeah, I definitely married up. Yeah, well, maybe, maybe at some point we can have her join us and share her perspective. Okay, so now that we know Kevin Kaufman, let's hand it over to Lynn.

Kevin Kauffman:

Hold on. Everybody should know why you said it so weird like that.

Michele:

Lynn's about ready, or you can tell yeah, yeah, oh, I'm going to call her out.

Kevin Kauffman:

Like I've known Lynn for a long time and like I know her last name is Kotte I may be cheating, because that's Michele's- last name as well.

Michele:

Yeah, it's also on the screen.

Kevin Kauffman:

That's true, that's true. But Lynn pulls up to the conversation and goes I know nothing of Kevin, I don't even know his last name. That's fine, I'm the red bearded stepchild.

Kevin Kauffman:

Don't worry, I'll tell them what I do remember about you in just a minute. Funny about that.

Michele:

What we said when that happened is how are we like? We're all part of family together, it's blended and it's so weird in terms of its complexities and we've all known each other your whole lives, but Lynn doesn't even know Kevin's last name.

Lynn Kotte:

It's fine. I knew it at one point. I'm certain I did, but it did not stick to the flypaper. You know it did not. All right, lynn, you're up. My name is Lynn Kotte and my mind now went blank with the beautiful speech that Kevin gave. I was definitely going to try to follow that up.

Michele:

Tell us about you and your perspective.

Lynn Kotte:

All right. So I am Michelle's half sister, so we have the same mom and we have different dads and I'm the well, just like Kevin and just like every single one of Michele's siblings. I am a younger sibling, Michele is the oldest, and I think there's like seven or nine of us's siblings. I am a younger sibling, Michele is the oldest, and I think there's like seven or nine of us, or like I don't know 18 and a half something like that.

Lynn Kotte:

I don't keep track, but that's part of my unique perspective Is that while I know of everyone, I at least know their first name. I did not grow up in any way really in the household of the Martinez. I grew up in the household of Kotte, where Michele is my only sibling. So it's very interesting when I talk to people about Michele as my sister. You're my sister, You've always just been my sister. I know technically you're my half sister, but it's never something that springs in my head. You're just sister. But then I go to describe something and about 60% of the time I then have to say, well, and Michele's my half sister, or Michele's five foot two Latina, and well, obviously I'm not. For those of you that can't see me.

Lynn Kotte:

I'm five foot seven and I have strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes and I'm about as pale as snow. So we're very different physically. Also, when I describe something, this is always a really unique thing. I'll say people will ask me how many siblings do I have? And I say I have one sister, but she has, and then I usually just say like eight or nine, because I think I'm close to the right number. I can't remember, but it always eight. Okay, good, I was in the right ballpark, but it's actually a very entertaining thing sometimes for me because it's interesting and it makes people think too.

Lynn Kotte:

I live in a very rural area, and although divorce is a common thing, the type of blended family that we are a part of is, I think, it's important because I teach students I teach middle school primarily and I think it's important for students to be able to feel that they can feel even just represented just by talking to their teacher. I have one sister, and my mom and dad are my biological mom and dad, but I do have a different viewpoint than just that, what they would see as a nuclear family kind of a thing. So, interestingly though, I do have several memories of when I was younger, playing with Tori and Adam, and I remember meeting Kevin when he was. Because you're younger than me, I think Are you sure You're like maybe?

Lynn Kotte:

a couple of years or two younger than me.

Lynn Kotte:

Sorry. Anyway, so blended family. I live in the great white north of Wisconsin. I have a partner and she and I have been together. Now we're inside of our eighth year of being together. And yeah, so I teach middle school students and I also teach high school and I'm avid outdoors person, love being outdoors, love reading and I'm a huge nerd. Huge nerd just got done watching Doctor Who just before we had this call.

Michele:

so there you go and Lynn, your partner is so great as well and, like I, again, it's some. It's so interesting to me like, yes, we have our own family, but essentially almost every family is a blended family if they have people that get married. Right, because you're bringing people that aren't blood related into your family dynamic and so maybe a future episode, we talk to all of y'all's significant others and see what their perspective is.

Kevin Kauffman:

She's trying not to say our better halves yeah it's fine, that is a.

Michele:

That's a great word to describe them. Before I hop into some, some questions and really digging into some of the stories, something hit me because, again, you guys are not blood related, you're not half siblings to each other, but you have so much in common and I did not realize it until we started talking a few minutes ago. If I can say this, you both are ADD. I don't know, are you ADD or ADHD? I don't know, I'm professionally diagnosed ADHD.

Kevin Kauffman:

You got all the B's and A's. I'm professionally diagnosed ADHD. You got all the B's and A's.

Kevin Kauffman:

It's professionally diagnosed ADD. I have no hyperactivity. I can just get distracted by that much you you.

Michele:

So you both have that. So when we were like talking earlier and you're like and I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm like, oh, I forgot, you both love the outdoors, like could literally live outside. You both work with middle school, high school. You both have that draw towards helping youth. Anyway, there's just so much in common and obviously there's differences and you both are really pale and sunburn really easily.

Lynn Kotte:

Oh, my God Lobster, yes, we don't even talk about it, it's fine.

Michele:

All right. All right, let's talk about something else. Let's talk about something else. Lynn, you started to touch on this and this question it goes. This question goes to both of you, but I wanted to really understand, like when someone asks you about your family, how do you describe it? Let me back up. Should I, should I set up, like what, our family?

Michele:

So, from my perspective, I am the oldest of nine children. My parents, my biological parents, were married, were divorced shortly after I was born, and my dad, my biological dad, went on to remarry, and my and my mom went on to remarry and my mom married my stepdad and had Lynn. My dad, my biological dad, married a few other times and had my other siblings. I'll let you share your own story, kevin. Kevin comes in from a previous marriage that his mom had. This is all from my perspective, and so when I describe my family to somebody, I'm like I'm the oldest of nine kids. It's a blended family. I have two dads, I have a stepmom and I have a mom, and it just works. So that's my perspective. I want to hear, like, when someone asks you about your family, how do you describe it?

Kevin Kauffman:

Who wants to go first?

Michele:

You can. Since you started talking, I do yeah.

Kevin Kauffman:

All right. So usually when somebody asks about my family, I get a piece of paper and we have to like there's lines and dots and timelines and geographical locations. No, I mean honestly what I say. So my perspective is that. So my mom and my biological father had me at a very young age and different situations and circumstances, they ended up going separate ways. He actually got remarried. So I actually have another half sister, so my only other blood relative, I have a younger sister who is about six years younger than me. So that's true, I do have Marcos, Jando and Josue, so I do have four total, but have one have half- sister, but, needless to say, Jane's in the background. She corrected me, so better half.

Kevin Kauffman:

Needless to say, my story coming into the family is one of when, when. So my stepdad I call my dad, he's, he's just been there and my biological father hasn't been there at this point in my life as much as Jose, my dad, and so for me it was really kind of it was something that I had hoped for and probably was looking for and probably the thing that I needed. Obviously, it's a different dynamic, especially when it comes to somebody that has, you know, kids of their own. Like you know, there's always like I look back now and I'm like I don't think my dad ever punished me except for, like verbal grounding, unless I got like I don't think my dad ever punished me except for verbal grounding, unless I got really in trouble with my other siblings and we had to write an essay and got our phones and keys taken away.

Kevin Kauffman:

But it was just one of those things that when I came into the picture I remember it was the morning that he asked me. He's like hey, I love your mother and I really want her to be part of my family, but I I really want her to be part of my family, but I also really want you to be part of my family and would you be willing and would you have a desire to be part of my family? And that was like for a grown man to ask, like not even a teenage boy at that point in my life. I mean, I guess maybe I was, but not, not really.

Kevin Kauffman:

Yeah.

Kevin Kauffman:

Yeah.

Kevin Kauffman:

That was yeah, that was. That was huge for me and so, like I came into the picture already knowing who was going to be my siblings, I came into the picture already knowing who, my who, I was going to call my dad, cause after I said yes, I literally asked him. I said so, can I call you dad? And he said I would love that. And so that was kind of my perspective coming in is that void in that space, honestly, was filled, and I use that language now I didn't know how to name it before, but that was my perspective coming into. It was obviously my mom loves me, but you know, we're all adults now. Like being alone sucks and raising a hooligan like myself for even 10 years, nine years, I can't even begin to imagine what my mom went through and I can't even begin to express the appreciation for things that I have no idea what happened a single mom for nine, ten years.

Michele:

You know, yeah, that's I mean. That in and of itself is her own perspective. Yeah, that's a good point.

Michele:

So when you describe the family.

Michele:

You pull out a piece of paper and like essentially what I'm picturing is like build an org chart but yeah, that was your original question literally no, it's good, I love yeah yeah, like for the most part, unless somebody knows the story.

Kevin Kauffman:

And because of my profession a lot of people know about me, but really for the most part I I don't say I have step siblings. I don't say I have a stepdad, I say I've got a huge family and we love to party. Yeah, and that's literally like it. And if people ask questions, I'll answer them, if they don't, I don't care.

Kevin Kauffman:

Yeah. I love that I can relate to that based on what I said earlier. It's something that you know is a fact but it's never really at the forefront of your mind because of just the way that your family, you've been through stuff together.

Michele:

You're family. You've been through stuff together. Share again, lynn, what you were saying earlier in terms of like, when somebody asks you about your family, like, how do you describe that?

Lynn Kotte:

It's literally just, I would say I've got. My mom and dad are together. They live in Illinois. My sister lives in Illinois, and it's just the word sister, it rolls off the lips. It's not even something I think about until people ask just a couple further questions and then sometimes it just comes out because of descriptions or things, and it's not super often, but I think I said like last time, like maybe like 50 or 60 percent of the time.

Lynn Kotte:

As far as experience though, like what Kevin was talking about, I have kind of an analogy for me. For me, the Martinez family has been kind of like looking through a glass door and I say door on purpose, because it's not just like looking through glass where I can't go through. I have been in Jose's house. I played with half of your siblings. I met Kevin before, you know, I've had Abuela's cooking. I met Abuelo before I hope I'm using the right terms yeah, yeah, you know I've. I've met Christina's son. You know I've met some of your nieces and nephews, and so they, and they know me by, they know me by name, they know me by sight.

Lynn Kotte:

So but it's it's, it's removed from me. I don't go, nor would I really expect to, but I don't go to functions of the Martinez family and that's where it's more like looking through glass, because I see and understand all this through you, Michele, and through you talking about it and sharing about it, which I love to hear about it. But it's got that door because I have been let through many times and willingly, not begrudgingly, but very willingly. So it's a different perspective. I live, or I find out more about the Martinez family through your stories, Michele. When you come back to my mom and to our mom and dad's house after, like Christmas Eve with the Martinez's, you know, and that's just, that's what it is, it's never bothered me, it is, it is what it is.

Michele:

And you always come back and and I've never felt, I've never felt like I have to share you, yeah, have to share you, yeah, well, and so what's interesting is, if you look at that, lynn and I love how I mean it sounds similar for both of you it just kind of rolls off the tongue. You're not, it's not at the forefront. And if we think about that, kevin, you were what? Nine, 10, when dad and your mom started dating, you know, or started building relationship. Dad and your mom started dating, you know, or started building relationships. So so you were pretty young, Kevin, right? So essentially because you're in your, you're in adulthood now, this is pretty much all you've known. Lynn. For you, this is literally all you've known, because from birth it has always been. You know, my sister goes away every other weekend, and so do you guys think that maybe that's part of like it is? It is what it is.

Lynn Kotte:

I mean to be honest, I actually I don't remember you going away every other weekend because of our age difference. I wonder if there was a point in time I don't know when you stopped doing that, if you did it through age 17 or 18 or not. No, it's interesting that I don't really remember you leaving, and I could attribute that to age. I could also attribute it to ADD so lynn's like, lynn's like.

Michele:

Bye, michelle, oh butterfly.

Kevin Kauffman:

That's about all it took. Hey, michelle, you're back I love that.

Michele:

So that that's. That was actually something I wanted to ask you both is when you had siblings come and go. I'm so curious what was your experience like when your sibling or siblings would come and go? From the house you were in, but you had to stay there and they left.

Kevin Kauffman:

It was, I think, like so for me and Michelle, you were kind of distant from this for me just because of the age difference, because I'm so much younger than you.

Michele:

Let's back up really quick. Lynn and I have a six year age difference. Kevin and I are eight year age difference, just for everybody that's listening. So it is pretty big.

Kevin Kauffman:

Yeah, I mean, I was trying to make the picture that you're even more than that, but that's fine. Way to ruin the magic of audio recording here.

Kevin Kauffman:

But I think way to ruin the magic of audio recording here, but I think so. Like when really for you, Michele, like the memories that I have are like we're hanging out in the summer, like I was so young you were babysitting me my older brother, adam, who there's less than a year between our age differences, and then my younger sister, victoria, who's less than a year and a half as far as age difference, but I think more to that. Like even Christina, who is younger than Michele. Christina lived states away. So when Christina came, it was really it was Christmas, like the big holidays. But fun fact, so when our parents were dating, Christina and I actually lived in the same city, in Maryville, Illinois, some podunk area, so we actually went to the same grade school just for one year. I never knew that. So when they were dating and when dad would come and visit Christina or pick her up, we would always hang out, we would get dinner Then, like at school, like I would flirt with Christina's friends.

Michele:

I mean, I knew that y'all were in the same area, but I never knew you went to the same grade school.

Kevin Kauffman:

We did, we did just for a short little bit, fast forward Now. Parents are married, living in the same house as my siblings, my step-siblings. I remember Adam and Tori's schedule. It was Monday and Tuesday they were with dad, but they stayed overnight Monday night and then went back Tuesday evening to go back to their moms. And then it was every other Friday, saturday and Sunday. So that was their schedule, which in the beginning was kind of cool.

Kevin Kauffman:

Like I had siblings for the first time and I wanted to hang out with them and I'm ADHD, and so I'm like, hey, I'm go, go, going, but maybe they I mean they, they are siblings, like they are full-blooded siblings, and so that was a weird dynamic for us to balance.

Kevin Kauffman:

And, honestly, like my perspective in the beginning was really like Adam and Tori are here, so it's time for us to focus on them, and that was actually something that I remember like tangibly thinking which was? It was just it was different, like it wasn't anything intentional. But like, looking back now, like you have to, I don't fault anybody for it. Like if, if I wasn't, like God forbid, if I wasn't able to see my kids, you know, for three days, you know I'm, I'm pouring everything into into them and I I don't know what I would do with a stepchild, or even, like you know, I've thought multiple times of what does adoption look like? Just because people have asked the question, and that's a hard thing to ever, ever try to put value on and or put rhyme or reason to, because I just don't know, yeah, but that was that was kind of like my perspective for quite a few years, which ultimately, I think, led so.

Kevin Kauffman:

My older brother, adam, is actually one of my best friends. We actually work together, so we see each other five days a week. We've gone to the same gym, it's. You know all those traditions growing up, like he's invited me into some of those. But really when we were growing up we didn't get along. When Christmas came, we got the same Christmas present and he was furious, like he didn't like it, and it was probably one of those things where, um, you know, he felt like wait, why I don't? I didn't sign up to be the same, like we're not the same and I know that for my dad.

Kevin Kauffman:

He intentionally did different things like this. I'm going to tell him myself so much right now. I don't. I don't know what happened in my mind, but I remember when it was I was 14, Adam was 15, and my dad said hey, if you meet requirements X, y and Z, we're going to go look for a vehicle and we're going to fix up an old muscle car. And I remember it was what used to be K's Merchandise. It's now Hy-Vee. Right across it's now Hy-Vee.

Kevin Kauffman:

Um, there was a 65 Mustang, candy red, that needed to be fixed up. And, uh, the three of us went and looked at it and in my mind you know, talk about ADD or ADHD in my mind I'm like okay, this one's Adams, I'm gonna have my own. And so I start like shopping, start looking, and I remember it was probably I was like. And so I start like shopping, start looking, and I remember it was probably I was like 15. And I, I think my, my mom and dad hope that I would forget about it. But if you ask, like anybody around me like, I don't forget things, especially when my mind is like on it. And so it took my dad literally in the car. He's like Kevin, I don't know how, how to say this, but I never told you that I was gonna do that with you.

Kevin Kauffman:

I was like, oh okay, so that was the weird friction as far as, like, I wanted to be the same. I actually wanted to be like Adam. I wanted to play baseball with Adam. We actually played baseball on separate teams and he was part of a travel team and they did really really well. I was there at every game just because I wanted to be, and I got to run around the bases for him because I was small, scrawny and fast and I didn't mind getting dirty, but that was the extent of it. But that team was Adam's team and so that was like a weird thing. But now fast forward. Adam and I actually lived together after high school, after college, and we lived together for probably a year and we really actually found out we do, like, take parents out of the equation, we actually do like each other.

Michele:

Enjoy being around each other.

Kevin Kauffman:

Yeah. Like we'll hang out because we want to, not because we have to now. Yeah, Like we'll.

Kevin Kauffman:

we'll hang out because we want to, not because we have to now.

Kevin Kauffman:

And that's that's been the really cool thing for me when it comes to siblings because, honestly, it feels like it was earned. It doesn't feel like it was just given. But a lot of time and effort went into that and a lot of, probably, moments where I mean, let's be honest, I hope, adam, and like Tori, hear this podcast because you're welcome, because I was always in the house, which means that when we did stupid stuff and you got to leave and go home to your mom's house, I was the one that caught the wrath of the discipline.

Kevin Kauffman:

Okay.

Kevin Kauffman:

So that was also another moment of friction in my childhood 's fine I can speak to that so much because not because Michele would leave and then come back. No, no, being six years younger, Michele went to college. She escaped to wisconsin. Now mom and dad's eyes are squarely on me. Through all of high school, all of it, Michele is like nowhere to be seen. Not really like she came home for weekends or to do her laundry from Wisconsin or to you know Christmas. But yeah, the you are in their sights and that doesn't have much to do with blended family, that just has a lot to do with having you know six years difference, but I get that feeling very much it was almost like it was.

Kevin Kauffman:

It was like, in some respects it was like being an only child mentioned.

Michele:

you mentioned earlier that you don't remember too much when you were really young of me necessarily leaving other week every other weekend. But, um, certainly you got to an age where we're only six years apart and that's not drastic, not like it is with some of my other siblings that are a 30 year age difference, for example. That's right. I don't know when you were in elementary school or when you were in junior high, I mean I was still right, no, and more so. In elementary school I was still had custody arrangement. You know where I would leave every other weekend.

Lynn Kotte:

What was that experience like at the house? Um, so you were, since we're six years apart by the time that I was going into seventh grade, when, when I graduated from elementary school in sixth grade, you graduated from high school, and so for junior high, I mean, you were in college. So you weren't. I mean you weren't, you were at Heartland.

Lynn Kotte:

Community College. So let's talk before that, then Right.

Lynn Kotte:

So then, before that, I genuinely and I mean it, I genuinely don't remember, more than likely because I was either playing with the like one or two friends I happened to have in elementary school, but I think I was just distracted by my own thing.

Michele:

So, like on those weekends, would you guys go and do different things?

Lynn Kotte:

no, I think that's the thing. Nothing was different as far as you were gone, but there was no different schedule or planning for the weekend. It was the same, what I usually would do, which was go outside make mud pies, make mom mad because I'm making mud pies in her marigold garden again, which is that was very common, and I'm not even being sarcastic, but really it was mom trying to, you know, wrangle this child with ADD right.

Michele:

Establish some type of normalcy.

Lynn Kotte:

And give her things to do, Right, and so there, there, I definitely it's not that I felt that you were always there. I definitely remember there being an absence, but it wasn't. It obviously wasn't celebrated.

Michele:

Why are you laughing, Kevin?

Lynn Kotte:

It wasn't celebrated, are you sure?

Michele:

It wasn't celebrated hearing your experience, like Kevin. Was that so the times that Adam and Tori would go to their moms? Um, you know were was the household? Did it just run as normal, like as it did the other five days of the week, or would things change? What was that like?

Kevin Kauffman:

things would definitely change. And I think maybe that was more just like my pace, because really like we lived in a small enough house where it was like everybody's always with each other, so I probably Adam and Tori weren't there it I probably was the most active as far as running around getting in trouble. You know whatever, when I say getting in trouble, not always like super bad, but just like getting into random stuff, going into the, because I was just pies in the miracle garden, I don't think I did, but like I would mow the yard and then put grass clippings underneath the playground Cause I thought it was helpful, but it's not Cause you know, snakes are a thing. Wish I knew that back then, but I think it for me like processing it, and in those moments I could see a difference in my mom, just the interactions that she had with me because she had more time. So my parents have a Christian faith and so they are very much a honor God first, and then spouse is right there next, and then kids right there next, and then everything else, and so it was. It was definitely like a learning curve, just to be, learn how to be a family.

Kevin Kauffman:

But when we got into the rhythm, it was more of it was probably more of like that was when I could see my mom being more intentional with like taking me to get close for school, because we wouldn't do that when Adam and Tori were there. We may do that if needed, um, but that wasn't like a regular thing. Mom would take me to basketball games in grade school because I was in I was finishing fifth grade when they got married and then or they got engaged when I was finishing but then I went into junior high the year that they got married. So that was like probably like knowing what I know now in life. As far as like child development, that was probably the best decision and that was probably something they did intentionally because that changed everything. Like I played baseball, I did wrestling and so like my schedule drastically changed when they got married because before that it was just we'd get together, hang out, have dinner yeah, yeah, playing stuff.

Michele:

Yeah, yeah. What about you lynn, like was that? Like did you get more attention?

Lynn Kotte:

I was actually just recollecting that. You know how I said that I don't remember you leaving very much right I just have way more memories with you, like doing things like when I'm, when I was younger, before you were 18. And you know, the custody was over Again. We're talking like age 11 and before. And so I remember doing a lot of things with you and I remember mom wanting us to do things together. She'd be like sisters, you should play together and we're like we.

Lynn Kotte:

we're six years apart and she doesn't want to go make mud pies, mom, sorry. The other thing, though, remember is that, first of all, yes, I was 11 and below, for you know asking about you not being there but I was also very consumed with my own life in elementary school, from second grade to sixth grade, as Michele, you very well know, but I was very, very bullied, very, very singled out and, just honestly, just trying to trudge my way through that, it was a terrible, terrible it's pretty traumatic incredibly traumatic and I've processed a long time ago, but, like it, it's that traumatic that, even though I feel that I processed it, talking about it to a teacher who I felt safe with, just bled it all back of just how terrible it really was, I mean.

Lynn Kotte:

In fifth grade, I asked for friends for Christmas. That was the only thing on my list like. So what I mean is is that that was if you were gone? It was. It was similar to me just trying to survive on my own. And the reality is also we were six years apart and while you were my sister and you loved me, we didn't after a certain age we didn't play together as much I feel like like we did when I was really young. We'd play house and all that stuff, but we didn't.

Michele:

Thanks so much for sharing that. I think both of you sharing that experience. Like I said, my own perspective is different because I was the sibling coming and going as well as, in a selfish way, up until this conversation it never crossed my mind like, oh yeah, you guys, what were you doing when I wasn't there? Right Cause it's I don't know what, I don't know, I don't know what was happening, I don't know trips or what restaurants or, you know, was your childhood drastically different every other weekend or something anyway. So I think it's like really nice to just get a glimpse into what your experiences were like.

Michele:

What a great start to this two-part conversation. You know, over a year ago we recorded this Zoom conversation with Lynn and Kevin and when I listened back to edit and upload to the podcast, I knew this was the episode I wanted to start the whole podcast with with. It represents how I want to approach these conversations listening with an open heart and ears, gaining perspective and insight I had not even thought of, and remembering we are still evolving and changing as people and as a family. This is going to be ongoing. There is no perfect finish line If we continue to acknowledge moments that are treasured and the ones that are imperfect. If we continue to reflect and listen and then move forward, we can maybe not feel so shaken by the messiness, but rather embrace it. Lynn and Kevin will be back for part two and wrap up their conversation next week. I really hope you'll join us. Be sure to like and follow this podcast. We'll see you next week here at the Blended Family Table on Blended, not Shaken.